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This request was anonymously addressed to MWonline, a German
business and HR website I write for. Several business coaches answer once.
So this differs from a regular online coaching with its interactions.
Of course it differs even more from face-to-face-coaching and interventions.
The idea behind it is to show how different people approach an issue. The service
makes coaching and its possibilities more transparent. It is kind of an “appetizer”.
The anonymous coachee’s request
:
Problem: How can I be successful defiant of many children?
I am a journalist, 32 years old, and gave birth to three children over the last three years (sons: 1 x 3
years old, 2 X 2 year old, twins). They are all in phase of defiance right now, are fighting against each
other constantly and therefore are extremely exhausting for me. I want to work and want to do
freelance business. So far I did my work in the night.
Right now I have three employers for whom I am writing. But I constantly feel that this is not enough
yet. I feel the need to find more new business or even find a new fulltime-position. On the other hand
this enlarges my difficulties. This all is not a financial issue for me. I want to be successful! I feel
overwhelmed and overworked by that mother’s role. I try to flee from my obligation.
My kids are in kindergarten from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. In this time I am trained as a HR- manager. After my
education I want to work as a part time employee and as a journalist, too.
The greatest barrier finding a solution:
My very problem is that I feel trapped although I love my kids. They are loud and they are getting on
my nerves more and more. I guess it would be better if I accepted my role but I can’t easily do so. I am
very dissatisfied. What would you recommend?
My answer:
Your request is very interesting and challenging in my view, dear coachee. I perceive several
dimensions and see it as complex. Thank you for being so frank and open. Coaching online I am very
focused: on language. Here I see and feel: energies, pictures, crunchpoints. As a journalist you are a
woman of the written word, too. So today I give my feedback on your words even more consciously
and aware: making the things I perceive literally visible.
In the very sentence I noticed your way of asking your question. „How can I be successful defiant of
many children?” Defiant of? Defiance? Is it an accident that defiance is your actual reality in your family.
Is this question a mirroring? What do you feel when you look at the word „defiance“. Are you feeling
the same like me: a strong opposition? What do you see? I see crossed arms, stamping feet. What do
you hear? I hear something like: „But I do want…“ Lateron you write: „My problem is that I feel
trapped although I love my kids.”
Can you imagine to let go of the resistance energy that your question reveals? How? Changing your
question from „How can I be successful defiant of many children?” into: “
„How can I be successful with my three children?“ With instead of defiant of.
And this new question is focussing on: you. You in the setting of your realistic circumstances and
possibilities. “Superwomen” between diapers, briefcase and business-suites live in magazines and
bestsellers. They have nothing to do with the reality of normal women. The latter pay a tremendously
high prize – health and balance – when they live 24 hours pretending their day has 36 or more.
Nervosity, stress, unbalance infect all family members at once, especially the smallest. So everyday life
gets out of balance and everybody is getting more and more nervous. Families are systems. A directly
influences B, in return B influences A, A reacts towards B again… B influences C and so on, always
around.
More customer acquisition, more orders, half an employment plus freelancing as a journalist? All those
ideas will most likely enlarge the pressure you feel already. This enlarges the pressure for your kids.
Their pressure will come back to you again. Things potentially escalate. More of what you have right
now causes more of what you already suffer from. Each “more” in your job makes the balancing act
between your roles harder. Especially little children are sensitive and feel when they are rejected for
being demanding. As a parent we show it: with the way we look, with the tone of our voice, with our
words…
A question for me is: How can you provide quality time? How can you create a setting that allows
happy, cheerful moments for all of you? Time management is in my view one of the key aspects of your
situation. Time management based on a realistic and real time budget. What does quality time mean
for you? What do you need to take time off to spend it with your children? And: there is the time you
take for yourself with a good feeling. Time for yourself, for the job or your personal needs.
What about the childrens’ father? You do not mention him at all. I assume that you live with him. Is it
possible to make him take over more responsibilities between „Kindergarten and the time they go to
bed“? Is it possible to employ an Au-Pair?
I warmly recommend to have a face-to-face-coaching. I see some important and deeper aspects in
your online request: handling (life)time; roles in your life and expectations of yourself and others
(„good mother“, „successful woman“); demands or excessive demands („inner pusher“
and „inner perfectionist“); success – what makes you think that you must b e c o m e successful;
career and professional engagement and work life balance – in general.
I wish you the very best. May your power, ideas and visions flow into your well-being and health as
well as in the well-being and health of your children.
Sandra Heinzelmann
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